a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
