I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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