My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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