are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i need an iv and a liver transplant
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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