I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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