I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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