You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
