Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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