I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
