She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
