i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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