when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
