Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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