I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
