I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
