Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
