i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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