Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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