I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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