It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
