I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
