And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
