call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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