Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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