i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
