so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
