Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
