I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
