I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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