if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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