you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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