this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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