3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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