Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
