wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Two words: nipple clamps
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