then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
