Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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