problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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