My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
