You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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