capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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