I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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