new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
