you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
