In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
