Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
