I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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