oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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