chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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