mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
