I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
