I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
