yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
