I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
