I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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