He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
