So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
